Wednesday, December 14, 2016

#5 Happy Holidays?

The party was dead to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. It’s pretty hard to have a good party where no one shows up. When I walked into Ikea’s big Hanukkah extravaganza, I was shocked by the turnout, or lack of turnout. I was the turnout.
I’m not Jewish. Well, my grandpa was Jewish and that’s it so I guess I’m Jew-ish, you know what I mean. I went to the party just ‘cause I had a soft spot for Hanukah. Everywhere in this damn town is all Christmas this, Christmas that. There are wreaths on every house, carollers all over, and the town somehow even got Mariah Carey to walk around and sing at people. I was just walking home from work one day and was vocally assaulted by Mariah Carey’s falsetto, she nearly busted my eardrum out. On top of that, all anyone talks about are all their presents. This little girl Jupiter ran up on me the other day and gave me this little knitted mitten, and I barely know her. Plus it was just one mitten, like what am I supposed to do with only one glove, I’m not Michael Jackson
Anyways, I showed up at the IKEA party expecting big crowds. I was the only one there. Some party. I was still there to buy some new furniture, so I guess it wasn’t a completely wasted outing. My hunt for whoever robbed me was unsuccessful, and I was ready to buy a new shit for my torn apart house. They promised 8% off for the 8 days of Hanukah, who would pass that up? Apparently the rest of this town would.
I walked the aisles, surveying the big box store for anything I needed, then something caught my eye. A neon green suit appeared before me, and I bent over to pick it up. It was a mascot costume, but for that Dr. Seuss character that hates Christmas. Boy does this town need a Grinch character. I picked it up and bought it, ignoring the heater and TV I had intended to buy.
Everyone loves Christmas, but won’t even appreciate a party for Hanukah? And our big Christmas party costs money to attend, the Hanukah party practically paid us! These people are Christmas obsessed, and not even for the right reasons. They are making Christmas all commercial and sold-out. I remember waking up for Christmas morning, spending time with my family, and spreading love. I don’t remember all these giant christmas trees, wreaths everywhere, and focus on presents. I walked out of IKEA with a mission: to make Christmas Great Again.

First stop, stealing all the wreaths.

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